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Tuesday, May 24, 2016

The Impossible Task
Senior nurse entered a patient's room and asked him to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked by the doctor.

" front of you?" He mumbles, shyly.
The nurse says: "Don't worry, I've seen the naked human body before. You've got nothing I haven't seen a thousand times." The man said, "Not one like mine. You would die laughing at my naked body."
nurse joke 
Of course I won't laugh!" said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the nurse had ever seen in her life. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
The nurse, a professional, managed to keep herself from laughing, but did smile a bit. Feeling bad, she asked him about his symptoms.
"Well," he said, "there are two problems. One is that it won't stop getting hard."
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out. Immediately feeling bad that she had laughed at the man's private part, she composed herself as well as she could. 
"I am so sorry," she said, "I  don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be  the problem?"
"It's swollen," Bob replied.
The Nurse just ran out of the room.        


Sunday, September 6, 2015

Joke: A Sudden Confession

A woman driver is speeding along the highway, when suddenly she gets stopped by a police car which instructs her to pull over.
Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."

Woman: "Oh, I see."

Officer"Can I see your license please?"
Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."cop

Officer: "Don't have one?"

Woman: "Lost it 4 times for drunk driving."

Officer: "I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please."

Woman: "I can't do that."

Officer: "Why not?"

Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"

Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."

Officer: "You what?"

Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Sargent: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
woman wondering
The woman steps out of her vehicle.

: "Is there a problem sir?"

: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

Woman: "Murdered the owner?"

Sargent: "Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please."

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Sargent: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Woman: "Yes, here are the registration papers."

The first officer is stunned.

Sargent: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Sargent: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."

Woman: "I bet the bastard will say I was speeding too."


Sunday, August 30, 2015

The Best Profession

Three couples marry and stay at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they are taken care of by Dave the bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.
Dave thinks to himself, "Nice, nurses are known to be hot."

The second man married a telephone operator.
Dave thinks to himself, "Telephone operators have sexy voices."

phone operator
The third man married a school teacher.
Dave thinks to himself, "Poor guy, teachers are too strict."


The next morning, Dave reports to work and gets a room service call from the nurse's husband. He sourly says, "Don't ever marry a nurse. All I heard last night was 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary.'"
Then, the telephone operator's husband calls and sourly says, "Don't ever marry a telephone operator. All I heard last night was 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up.'"
Later that afternoon, the teacher's husband calls and happily says, "When you marry, be sure to marry a school teacher. All I heard last night was 'We are going to do this over and over until we get it right!'"

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Joke: Planning Ahead


An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young girl at his side. He told the jeweler he wanted a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and found a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something much more special." 

The jeweler went to his special stock in the safe and brought another ring back. "This one's $40,000." The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
"I'll take it!" Declared the old man.

The jeweler asked how payment would be made, and the old man said, "By check, but I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now, and you can call the bank on Monday to verify funds. I'll pick up the ring on Monday afternoon." 
old man on phone

Monday morning, the jeweler called the old man saying, "Sir, there's NO money in that account!" 

The old man said, "I know I know, but let me tell you about the weekend I just had!"